Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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