Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
