apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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