After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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