This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
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