im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
