All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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