Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
