you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
