Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
he thought i was a dude.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
