im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
