Fine. I'll sleep in my office
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
