The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
