I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
