What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
