Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
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