I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
