2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
