I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
