Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
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