Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
If lil wayne asked you to lick him like a lollipop I feel that you would willingly oblige.
Unfortunately I think I would lick most anyone's lollipop.
It's your form of community service; servicing the greater SDSU area.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
