I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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