I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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