No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
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