He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
