it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Randomize
