Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize