have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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