just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
