drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
