This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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