he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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