Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
