my mouth tastes like poor choices
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
