WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
