If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Randomize
