I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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