Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
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