Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
