No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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