turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Randomize
