If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
