I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
