So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
