it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Everything about him screamed your future.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize