does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
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