Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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