plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
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