Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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