go do what you do best...puke behind churches
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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