I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
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