and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
