Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize