why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
