There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
