dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize
