I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
