He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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