I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
someone owes me an orgasm
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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