It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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