note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
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