we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
