How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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