I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
You're like the curious george of whores
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
