happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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