please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
