I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
