I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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