I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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