ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
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