It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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