i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Randomize
